Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
I broke the girls bed. I will not apologize about bragging.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
