Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
Well, after emptying the contents of my stomach into a fucking rose bush, the only things moving through my digestive system are pills, coffee, and my own lip gloss. If that gives you any idea what kind of a day I'm having.
YO CONGRATULATIONS ON YOUR MÉNAGE À TROIS. YOU GO, GLENN COCO
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Randomize
