I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
