i think i just heard my dad finish in the other room...
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?
still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
the reason i can drink whatever i want and you have a limit is because whiskey will never make my pussy not work
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
i dunno but you just looked at him said "youre making me really wet" and straight pissed your pants
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
I can get weed and taco bell delivered but frozen peas and a loaf of bread are just too scarce, what the hell is wrong with people?
Randomize
