I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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