tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
There could not be a more unattractive person. She just told me her period was so bad that she got sick. I think my penis retracted and killed himself
Def ran into my elementary school babysitter at the grocery store. Still hot. And she complimented my beer choice. It feels good to still have her approval
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
the tile , carpet , walls , cabinets , even the ceiling ... there is Jello everywhere
it was your idea to have indoor Jello wrestling man
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Looking through my moms phone and find a pic if a dick. Scarred for life.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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