I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
I have a better chance beating China's military with slap bracelets than this plan has of working.
I take pride in being a married 31 year old who sleeps on her best friend's bathroom floor from time to time.
just woke up on a lounge chair wearing a durag and holding burrito wrappers in my hands
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Ahhh, the bane of our relationship.... His mediocre penis
You remember my neighbor with the perfect ass? It's even better in assless chaps.
Randomize
