I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
thursday was literally the first time i didnt drunk eat since the bush administration and it was only because i was fucking someones boyfriend. making a mental note to do that more often.
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
He told me he wanted a penis beard so that he could look at girls faces when they gave him blowjobs. i have to say, i kind of admire his creativity
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Decided to stop by the store on my walk of shame. I must really look like shit, a six year old girl just walked up to me and said "my mommy wanted me to tell you Jesus loves you." Thanks kid.
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I dont even remember what i was saying but just one minute i was crying and the next i was showing u my genitals
easy for you to say. you're not the one who has to explain why you woke up with a pineapple and a used condom.
Don't try to butter me sideways
That is without a doubt the most Southern thing you have ever said.
Randomize