Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
i think at one point throughout the night i began eating birthday cake with a q-tip.
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Thank you for not boning my boss.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.
No like he has curves. I remember thinking he had a nicer body than me
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
The fact that I’m not married yet means there are millions of lucky girls out there who have dodged a bullet
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