Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Although I wish I was out drinking, this cough syrup has me slightly more optimistic than usual.. I heavily debating trying to find mystical creatures and selling them to rich people as pets
Id have to say flaming beer pong was a royal success.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I ate vegetarian today, so I deserve a beer.That's my justification.
It's like you're the voice of my soul.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
But what if there are 6 people and they end up just pairing the off into 3 couples. Is it still an orgy?
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
