Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.
I just febrezed the jizz on my pants and wore them again, gross or eco-friendly?
Eco-friendly.
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
He fucked me so hard I had an asthma attack. I'm like the sickly poster child for celibacy.
Am I really that girl who walks around half naked wearing a cowboy hat begging for liquor at some random guys house
Still at home. Videotaping hamsters.
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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