I had just got her shirt off when I realized that I was about to fuck Chewbacca from Star Wars. The way she moaned confirmed that I was.
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
I feel like I was just dunked in a tub of beer and then thrown in a giant dryer with rocks in it.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
i have a strong feeling that today will be a naked day for me...i don't feel like doing shit
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
Randomize
