Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
Just taught my suite how to queef. I feel like i'm back in 9th grade!
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
Hes wearing a shirt that says warning shitshow and i cant help but think his attorney made him wear it so ppl know the dangers.
Whatever happend to that lawsuit where he got sued for shittig in that fish tank
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
Your trash is full of condoms and yoohoos what a great life we live
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize