I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....
This explains a lot.
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
