i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.
So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged
I cannot believe I said bareback movement...
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I'm so lazy and tired i just want to cry and fall asleep in a bed of egg mcmuffins.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
Randomize
