I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
there's something wrong with the internet when a search for "barney the dinosaur violence" comes up with nothing
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
Randomize
