Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
The only thing I remember from last night is being naked in his bed if that's not summer drinking at it's finest then I don't wanna live anymore
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We need to catch up immediately. I took ecstasy and made out with carrot face this weekend.
Can I make sure all my sluttiness goes to you when I die? You're the only person I know who'll make use of it
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
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