that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
Woke up to the UT campus police fishing my boxers out of the university pool, guess it was a good night.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
my lips are numb and my face feels like a pool. PENGUINSSSSSS
Share, now.
But being sober is boring. Everything takes so long, I feel like I'm just waiting in line to die.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
