Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
Single schmingle. No one actually obeys the relationship boundaries these days. Its 2009.
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
You just sent me a picture of a federal crime. Like. You don't give a fuck.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
Go tell your boss to go fuck himself because you have beer and doritos and zombies waiting on you
How drunk do you guys plan on getting?
We wrote our addresses on our arms for the cab driver, what do you think?
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
Randomize
