Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I don't remember. Are we still dating?
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
ive cried into many a lonely burritos..
Getting a vibrator would be like waving the white flag of surrender in this war against my vagina and its hormone army.
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Typing up notes at the bar and doing shots with the bartender until close on a Wednesday. This is what my second year of law school has become.
Dude. My tinder just blew up in Seattle. I'm moving here. I don't give a fuck
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
Randomize