I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
He said if I blew him first he'd last longer....if 3 minutes is lasting longer, I'm not sure the bj was worth it
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
