I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.
I need a gatorade, my back cracked, my crimper, my shot glass, a sock of rice and an explanation.
You did this to yourself.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I would just like to point out that someone I had sex with drove me so I could have sex with you. I deserve some type of "most loyal booty call ever" award.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
It got weird the panthers lost and we started throwing wings at one another
Look, all I'm saying is that you're going to be a great Vodka Mom.
No joke. There's a picture of the priest I made out with on my parents' refrigerator.
Randomize
