bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I bet him anal if they won...the one time Detroit decides to win, it had to be this week
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
The new google images is a smorgasbord of porn now are plans for tonight are off.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
Fell asleep naked on the recliner spooning with my organic chemistry book. The fact that I made it through four years of college is proof that the education system is fucked.
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
Mandatory face masks - finally, a solution for lip augmentation failures and bad breath.
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