my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
He is really drunk but I just found $20 so it's like I am getting paid to babysit
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
Not sure when or why this happened but I just stopped giving a shit about everything
Have you ever eaten pizza and gotten your dick sucked at the same time? Because I have pizza.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Here's an unsolicited pic of my tits, because you almost died last night.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
What are you, a fucking toaster ?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
