He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
Goose bottles do NOT make good bowling pins
You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.
There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
I was trying to be quiet until started to feel like my cock was being dipped in a rainbow and then I stopped caring temporarily
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.
You are the coolest girlfriend ever.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I'm sobbing to NWA
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Randomize
