1:12am: That's just how i roll, and this dress she is wearing is dirty and needs to get pulled over her head.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
the party has pretty much ended, it's just 20ish of us jumping and grinding to music from some guy's phone in the corner.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
Nothing says thanksgiving like acid flashbacks
ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
How fast can you get here?\nI need to ride your cock into the sunset.
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
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