i dont know what it is, i just found it in my pants.
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
Just stepped in shit. Not sure if its mine or the dog's. Get some of our friends on the way back from work and just have the intervention now. I will totally understand.
Sorry for trying to force you and Robert to make out. I didn't realize how awkward it was until I woke up today.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
My liver just had a heart attack.
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
I just dumped the bloody coke bill into the tip jar while getting my hangover coffee. I'm literally going to hell.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Had to admit my broken elbow was caused by vodka, not hockey
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
