I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
Oh you know same old same old. just eating pizza after faking extreme night terrors to get a one night stand to leave my apartment
Out of control sex drive for a girl? I just masturbated in the bathroom at my in-laws house before dinner....
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just got biofeeze on my vag. Weirdest sensation everrr. Can't decide if I want to cum or cry
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I would climb him like a jungle gym. Enthusiastically and creatively.
Randomize
