i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.
You're on Grindr at the STD clinic. I love you.
If I drank a glass of water for every drink I had I'd die of water intoxication like some tweaked out looser at a rave
I'm watching sex and the city with my wine and Wendy's. I'm not sure if this is single woman empowerment or not.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
He told me I was "too flexible." Excuse me?
He handed me a beer to drink as he went down on me. I want to keep him
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
I'm hungover and eating lunch at an elementary school. The children are barking. Litrealy barking, like dogs.
He howled at the moon then told me that if i were a dog he'd have sex with me...either i look like that girl or i need to stop going on blind dates. Period.
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