I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
We would have taken you home with us, but you were outside the bar measuring a randoms stream of piss by walking along side it... you said you were only at 32 feet and it still had a couple of grooves to hit.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
On the verge of sleeping with a man who can take me to an early bird dinner and a movie with his AARP discount. YOLO
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Randomize
