My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I like to send nudes ok? If that's my biggest flaw I think I'm ok
I’m literally lecturing this class on professionalism, while my body is undoubtably covered in leftover cum from last night. I’m a fucking role model.
We will discuss everything tomorrow i presume. Including the sweaty naked tango.
Randomize
