Holy shit! This guy had his hands and feet handcuffed and was scooting across the interstate and we almost hit him because it was so dark. I hate Louisiana.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
I don't think tits should taste like fish.
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
I'm just now realizing I've slept with guys from three different decades over the past year. That's gotta be some sort of record.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
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