The things that come out of my body both amaze and disturb me.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
What's the best way to tell a guy he can call me when his impending divorce is finalized?
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
