It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.
No I got myself stoned. With her bowl. She was just a casualty of the War on Sobriety.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I don't want anything calamari shaped after last night. But I appreciate the Cheerios offer.
I should not be allowed to be in possession of a fifth and a phone at the same time.
No but seriously. Just had a guy lean over and sniff my head like it was a freshly baked pie
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