Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
and all i could think about was how mcdonalds would not be open anymore after we were done having sex
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Yeah.. he went to Tebow in the middle of the crosswalk and got hit by a cab... The yellow ones really don't stop
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
Then you shook your fists at the sky and explained to us that losing a sneeze is like losing an orgasm
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?
Just got offered cocaine at ihop. Stay classy America.
I woke up naked and you weren't here. What a relief.
I hate that I still want him to look at me as the vagina that got away.
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize
