just looked in the mirror, I fell asleep with a face mask on. At least drunk me cares that much about the condition of my skin
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.
Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
CURRENTLY PLAYING FLIP CUP WITH A WORLD SERIES CHAMPION
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Randomize
