it felt great physically, but AWFUL morally.
It was like doing yoga with his dick in me
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
just spent all of my last class as a college student, vomiting in the bathroom. its moments like these i will cherish
I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
do you know how ratchet you have to be to get kicked out of a drag club on Halloween weekend??
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize