My hand turned me down
i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?
Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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