I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
Haha oh wow he'd be perfect. He's got everything MTV looks for in a real world cast member. Gay. Tool. From Methuen
and she was petting her beer can
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Did the vodka turn my hair yellow or did something else happen last night?
I should probably stop recommending my dentist to the different guys I'm seeing. That could be awkward in the future.
I can't believe you won 5 grand from the casio last night and spent more than 80% on tacobell and strippers already
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize