My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I just spilled my beer on a five year old. She's crying but I can promise you I'm more upset.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
Did you see her happy birthday to emily on facebook? The gist of it is like: hey emily you almost died at birth im glad you didn't. love mom.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
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