tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
i just thanked the atm machine for giving me cash
were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
You put me in such a good mood with that road head, I bought everyone at Hooters donuts.
He may be engaged to someone else, but god damn that was the best 3 hours I've ever spent naked with someone.
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
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