Ok I love you more. To infumty and beyong.
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
Well I found you sipping ron diaz out of a child's dinosaur cup while sticking your fingers in the guy's fish tank and watching the "pirahnas" snap at your finger and laughing
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
