last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
It's ok. Rob's just shotgunning upside down.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Randomize
