Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.
I mean it's my life so what if i want to drink Molson from my sparkly shoes and not regret anything
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
Apparently last night I was doing back bends for the guy making my easy mac because clearly it wasn't easy enough for me.
Randomize
