my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I put my hydrocodone prescription in my cereal box its like real lucky charms
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
As I was about to fuck him, he requested a moment of silence for Leonard Nimoy.
That's when I realized I was probably naked in the wrong bed
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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