Do you still have your period?
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
You just can't come from being "the girl who shit her pants."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
guys I just made $20 cause these random south african guys thought I wasn't wearing any underwear
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Randomize
