I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART
Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.
Dude I'm 99% sure I'm witnessing an e-harmony date at panera, prob late 40's, this is better than the movies.
he sent me a picture of his dick with a heart border around it
Dude that bathroom stall was not tall enough to be doing lines in, guys kept peeking over and giving us high fives
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
Randomize
