This kristen chick is fuckin nuts. She's pyscho. She's a trainwreck. She carries baggage. She's... Perfect.
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
Do you know a sam ****, im at the bar right now and lookin for some dirt on her to guilt trip her in to sex
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...
It's inspiring.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
the fact that I've been his fuck buddy for a year, and I'm pregnant isn't bothering me. the fact that he didn't tell me about his girlfriend does.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
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