thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
