this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
Is "I want you to destroy my insides" too forward?
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
you never know when your going to find a surprise from me in your bed...it keeps you on your toes.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
she glued two packs of googly eyes on you while you were blacked out. We talked her out of using her hot glue gun.
ummmm thanks
Randomize
