When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.
so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.
someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
I was just at home taking Vicodin for a week straight. Talk about a vacation.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
He bent me in ways I couldn't imagine.. and im a gymnast.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Randomize
