I got oddly confused when she started talking in third person in bed.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
i have my bailey's and coffee which lasts me until lunch, at which time its appropriate for me to bring a vodka and OJ mix for the afternoon. This university thing is grrreat
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
whatever. i just wanna get "forget my own name" wasted
no. you need to know your name so people know where to return you when you get lost.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
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