I bought the tickets, he brought the weed. thanks to you, we had to roll a joint out of my bible paper.
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
I think my ball sweat smells like waffle house. might be time to change up drunken eating habits
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
But I thought it was so funny last night
You also thought you were a gypsy mermaid last night
We're on our way. We couldn't find our clothes this morning, so we're driving your car half naked. You owe me a cigarette.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
