I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.
You really are best friends.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
We were having a serious discussion about Blue's Clues and I just kept thinking, 'you've seen me naked'.
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
Randomize
