i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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