I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
Haha! You know I mean that in a positive way. Like, "let them eat cake!" Or in our case, "let them achieve obesity from the two entree plate at Panda Express!"
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Drinking from the bottle. In bed. Making dinosaur noises. Oh man.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
Randomize
