I just woke up to a lawnchair covered in lipstick. I'm wearing red lipstick. What happened and is the tequila?
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
So it's safe to say that it's all down hill from here
Do you mean easy livin or downward spiral of alcoholism and disappointment
he taught all the little kids to ski. it was stupid hot. i'm pretty sure my ovaries exploded.
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Would you still love me if I got a Whatever Forever tattoo? It's like the Emo kids' Live Laugh Love
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