Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?
I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Fried chicken is a must. Do strippers eat fried chicken or should I plan on something else?
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
I want to bone him until his eyes fall out
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
It's been THREE DAYS. Why do I still have the munchies?!
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