When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
The only good thing about trampolines when you're fucked up is the gushing blood really cleans all the bad coke out of your nose.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
i robbed the continental breakfast last night
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
You did it first. I was merely expressing my support for you, by pressing my testicles against a window.
Also the fuck cup must be buried with me
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
where are my pants?
in the oven.
Wrong Cuomo but I had a dream last night in which I was very sexually attracted to Chris
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