Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
it makes it look bigger when i shave, i hope its not the same for a girl
So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
Me and my bruised tit have to wake up at 4 AM.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
And then he served me a piece of a brownie on his dick. It tasted amazing. Such a good night!
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