im pretty sure that there was a mint leaf in my poop this morning. i love mojito season.
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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