textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
My lips are sealed. Both pairs.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
All I vaguely remember from last night is getting up on that nice mahogany table and debating about squirrel's rights
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I either forgot underwear this morning or lost them at work and I seriously don't know which.
You were dancing to the Bee Gees, at 3am, with a piece of ham on your head. Moral of the story, You can't drink.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
